One of the unique things we tell, teach premarried couples and those renewing their physical relationship is that sexual response is a learned skill. For example, when learning to play basketball, one must learn to hold the ball, dribble, pass, shoot, and play with a team. It takes time to grasp and eventually master all those skills. Different players learn at different rates and master the skills in differing orders. One player might learn to dribble quite easily but has trouble learning to shoot and score consistently. Another player might learn to pass very well but has trouble mastering the three point shot. In marriage, learning the how to’s of sexuality takes time and consistent practice. Very few couples “just naturally” figure out how to “share” a sexual relationship in a matter of weeks.
We have heard for decades that you call the sexual relationship in marriage or outside of that matter as intercourse or having sex. Technically, intercourse is the accepted clinical term but if you think about it very long as I have you hear or read the word and turn or tilt your head like you are thinking “what is that?” Having sex is a very poor colloquial way to describe sexual intimacy so recently I have been saying and now writing “sharing sex.” After all, that is what a husband and wife do. They “share sexual intimacy” together or that is what God desires for them.
So, Mr. P, what are you saying exactly? I am very glad you asked. Let me start with the old way of talking about sexual intimacy in marriage, having sex—had sex, etc. This terminology has come to mean nothing more than the physical act of sexual intercourse (yeah, I wrote that). The physical act of a male inserting his penis in a female vagina. It has no more meaning than that in today’s vernacular. However, true sexual intimacy is far more than that. It has to do with companionship or closeness, with a unique bonding of two persons that are very different but made to fit together, with emotional bonding, with actual love–I will touch on this below. One other thing that must needs be included in true sexual intimacy is commitment; “having sex” does not involve commitment in any sense whatsoever.
You see; when you understand that sexual response is a learned skill and that the learning continues for decades, we have no reason to tire of it with the one we have chosen to “share sex” with. From day one, the first night/day of the honeymoon, it is all about practice, learning the skills to make your loved one feel close, special, unique, fulfilled, and loved. Sexual satisfaction in a caring, mutually satisfying relationship is almost beyond description. The skills needed include learning how to draw your lover into the mood, learning how quickly to move from one phase to another, learning what your lover enjoys and needs to reach peak sexual arousal, learning how to move together. And then there are the additional skills of learning when to wait, learning how to meet other needs first, learning how to restore the sexual relationship after illness, surgery, or an accident.
Now about love, true love is not an emotion. It begins with a commitment, “I will love you no matter what.” Men, that meets a wife’s needs for years; it secures her in and with you; it allows her to abandon herself to you and more. Love is in the simplest form unselfish, self-giving, self-sacrificing, putting the other person first.
NOTE: This is the short version for the blog. I will be writing a longer version as an article that will give more detail about the learning experience. Some of it taking from our lives. Some of it rather practical knowledge. That article will come in a few weeks. Stay tuned.